Wraithrants

It’s been an interesting week for me emotionally and I thought I’d share some observations.

My brother Steve and new Sister-in-law Debbie’s wedding was last weekend. Beautiful ceremony, fun reception. Got to hang out with Steve and talk shop for a bit which was a major highlight for me. Seriously that doesn’t happen often, huge smile on my face. Got to hang out with Sam for a bit too and see her pet store, also fun. Good thing I’m broke or I’d have a new puppy. After the reception, meet-up with the extended family at Steve’s old place. That was all emotionally up time. And then…

Driving home with Dad, he did most of the driving back. Caught up on some sleep. Got home, went to setup my laptop and several things were out of place. Rule broken, I freak the fuck out. Uncontrollable anger, shaking, super fun. Had to get a beer to calm down. Next day I discover the idiot landlord of the property next door had hired some guys to clear out trees, and had left much of what they cut in my backyard causing more damage. On top of what’s already back there from the storms from 10 days ago. More rage. First 10 minutes of being back to work I have a panic attack triggered by just being around someone I’d like to ask out. Kinda hard to do when you have a panic attack just being around her. Then add to that a screaming voice telling me to kill myself the other night. I just ignore that one tho. That’s anxiety, paranoia and sleep deprivation.

So the joys of being bipolar or autistic or whatever the fuck I am, right? I really need to get some help. Not sure where to start but I’m pretty sure drugs will be involved. Not looking forward to that. Just a week in the life of my crazy ass. Fun right?

I guess the point is, for every up I have there has to be an equal down. Makes being happy really difficult and it really blows. Usually have to settle for making others happy but it would be nice to keep some for myself. Don’t think it’s too much to ask right?

My friend Melissa posted a thing on her blog called 30 days of truth. The idea is you answer truthfully to a question a day for 30 days. My reaction was not exactly positive. Believe I said “some things are better left unsaid”. Some of those questions bring up things I’d rather not go into. Things I like about myself? Nothing. Things I don’t like? Damn near everything. Thing that I really balked at is fairly far down the list. 3 actually right after the other…

Day 25 → The reason you believe you’re still alive today.
Day 26 → Have you ever thought about giving up on life? If so, when and why?
Day 27 → What’s the best thing going for you right now?

I look at those questions and I flinch a bit. Here’s a little fun fact about me: I’m what they used to call a manic depressive. I believe the newer clinical term is bipolar dissociative disorder. Another fun fact: I’ve tried to kill myself. More than once. The first time was when I was 13. My father was a mentally and verbally abusive dick, whether he was aware of it or not. I had a loaded gun cocked and ready pointed at my head on the back porch, when I realized my next-door neighbor would be the one to find me. Couldn’t do that to poor old Mr. Pryor.  The last time was somewhere near the end of 1997. I had been out of work nearly 6 months, had no prospects for another job and had pretty much given up. I called my Mom in New Mexico and told her flatly to give me a reason to live. So aside from scaring the shit out of Mom, I think that put in motion her moving back out here. After getting off the phone with her, I decided that I wasn’t going to kill myself then but I also was not afraid to die. Since that day I’ve been ready to die.

At this point you’re either freaked out and ready to call for a nice padded room or just worried. Well settle down, there’s more to this.

Since then, my sister Heather has moved up here with her kids. She’s added one of hers and her oldest has added one of her own. On top of that, and despite trying my damnedest, I’ve put together quite a gallery of friends. Some are a bit more emotionally fractured than I am. Suicide is probably the most egotistical act one can do. “Hey look at ME, dammit”. Yeah those that know me know I hate the fucking spotlight. I live in the background yet somehow I keep finding my way to that spotlight. Ending my life would hurt a LOT of others, and that’s just not how I roll.

SO I guess that’s what I have going for me. Despite wanting badly for this shitty life to finally be over with, I have a large group of friends I don’t want to hurt. Don’t think about that too hard. You too will want to introduce a bullet to your brainpan.

I guess I’ll go over some of the other things on that list at some point. I just needed to get this one off my chest cause it’s been gnawing at the back of my head for the past week. Like Day 12 → Something you never get compliments on. Be nice to hear “OMG he’s so hot” at least once in my life. Hell I’d settle for “I’d hit that”.

It’s been a few months since I last posted something and it’s been a bit eventful and very unexpected.

The unexpected came at the end of July, when I had a minor stroke. I was 33 then, 34 now and it still seems surreal that I had a stroke. It affected the vision part of my brain so I suffered bad light sensitivity and constant headaches. Even now a few months later I still get the sensitivity and headaches, but not as bad of course. The doctors said it didn’t affect the cognitive part of the brain, and I don’t agree. Yes I can type just fine right now but later in the day, especially when I’m tired, things get jumbled a bit. It’s hard to speak coherently and sometimes my thoughts get scrambled too. Funny thing is it doesn’t affect my game skills. I guess that’s more reaction and muscle memory than thought but I think it’s interesting.

The eventful part, aside from the stroke recovery of course, is the culling of more of my work friends and the sudden retirement of my boss. The latter hit me harder than the former, but not by much. She hired me, guided me through some rough times, tolerated my bullshit and became a very good friend and advocate. I’m sure a lot of people can say that about her, she worked here for 45 years. In the end, it’s just more experience the company is losing at the worst time possible.

The company at which I have worked for 13 years has lost its Way. Lost its soul. I’m not sure you can find a single person that can say they’re proud to represent this company anymore, they’re just glad they have steady work. That’s not how it was, and it’s not how it should be.

Anyone hiring an experienced tech/admin/writer/babysitter? If you believe my paycheck, I work cheap.